Respiration Restrictive Job Initiative

CO2 is not just a natural result of the respiration process, but CO2 could hold the answer to jumpstarting the job market as well as providing a faltering world economy with reinforcements for the future.

Obama, presenting excess CO2 as an environmentally friendly vehicle to improve the economy, could help skeptical Americans see the error in dismissing global warming hype and persuade national capitulation to Copenhagen’s suggestions for preventing impending planetary doom.

A breathlessly burgeoning job market is but an exhale away if Barack can successfully convince America that a CO2 Containment Campaign is the answer to global CO2 issues, climate change and worldwide economic malaise.

CO2 may very well be the CPR Obama’s presidency needs to inject life into the cutting edge proposals the inspiring, but severely misunderstood leader, has been promising for the last year, but has yet to implement.

The President can commence with promoting the idea to America that breaking ground nationwide on factories and pioneering manufacturing products that curtail CO2 emission, may be the long awaited stimulus the American job market has anticipated

Possible Presidential proposals to quash CO2 could include:

• Mandating CO2 containment suits that resemble space suits, but perform the dual function of capturing and recycling hazardous chemical compounds. An unintended result would be a virtual explosion in the design industry if fashion forward icon Michelle Obama went public with the first CO2 containment outfit designed by Thakoon Panichgul.  The splashy statement Michelle would make could very well leave the entire nation eager to be part of the trend.
• For the thrifty, recycling air helmets complete with tubes and facemasks, could lessen emissions at reduced rates for consumers on a budget or those who cannot afford haute couture containment suits.
• The economy will receive a fiscal shot in the arm when discharge centers start charging fees for CO2 tanks to be dropped off, like gas grill propane tanks.
• Naturally, CO2 will need to be dispersed into a larger system containing and refiltering noxious gases without emitting them into the atmosphere, requiring CO2 Quarantine & Filtration Plants be built and manned with skilled workers.
• Or, how about meter factories making Rolex knockoffs that monitor CO2 output?
• A proposal to redesign Breathe Right Strips© to close nostrils instead of opening airways can provide jobs in the nasal constraint industry. Prior to Breathe Less Strips hitting the market Breathe Right inventor Bruce Johnson can be recruited to assist in cutting down national airflow by filming prime time commercials encouraging Americans to “Save the planet by breathing less!”

Yoga studios will be boarded up and Breathing Technique Reprogramming centers held in CO2-Free zones.  Minimal Breathing Masters can be trained to instruct unwilling class members to cut breathing rate in half.

Skeptical?

Did you know that reprogramming your natural breathing technique would not only help in preventing these problems but also help in the “reversal” of several such harmful conditions?

You may ask, how can I alter my natural breathing process?

“Well, astonishingly as it may seem, it’s true. By training our body to breathe in a particular fashion, we can re-program involuntary system to adopt this new way of breathing.

Without wasting time, Americans can plunge right away into the technique followed by its overwhelming benefits—to the planet!

Following a season of intense breathing indoctrination, blue can either become the new black or Cover Girl can promote an anti-CO2 line of cosmetics addressing the color of oxygen deprived skin. The campaign could have, as Climate Friendly Cover girls Nav’i from Avatar replace the African-American Queen Latifah and bluer Caucasian Cover Girl Drew Barrymore.

In preparation for the inevitable, savvy world citizens will be given the option to purchase Obama logo emblazoned water wings and inflatable rafts, providing a way of escape for the coming tsunami and offering the anxiety-ridden the desired peace of mind that only Obama policies provide nervous Americans.

The building industry stands to also inhale a breath of new life when government mandates waterproof shelters be erected on the top of every roof in America.  The motto, “When the waters rise America has a place to go,” can be emblazoned on standard wear Fruit of the Loom© T-Shirts in factories across the nation.

Let’s not forget the huge potential for “shovel ready” jobs that have the potential to be created when cemeteries are forced to dig graves to bury millions of Americans, so committed to the cause, they died after failing to breathe even after the expiration of anti-inhalation time limits.

Opportunities are limitless and Americans should look forward to President Obama presenting another exciting presentation of planet-friendly initiatives in a primetime address that will leave the country breathless for more hope and change.

If timed correctly, the President could coordinate the CO2 Campaign with a Minimal Methane marketing campaign initiated by Secretary of Health and Human Services, Kathleen Sebelius, where Beano/H1N1 combo vaccines are mandated for legal and illegal residents living within the open boarders of America. Synchronizing such an endeavor would cover all potential pandemic gas issues.

As a security measure, the President and House of Representatives remain exempt from CO2 hot air curtailment standards and, unlike ordinary Americans, emit as much CO2 and methane as deemed necessary for survival in Washington DC.  Thus, Barack Obama and a Democratic Congress and Senate continue to enjoy inhaling well deserved deep cleansing breaths earned preparing to single-handily save American jobs, the world economy, the environment and the cost of health care, while offering redemption to the larger global community.

To curtail costs, prevent glutting the atmosphere with perilous gas and to alert the undisciplined of new limits being placed on exhalation, the Democratic leadership intends to further compliment the CO2 Containment Campaign by instituting peer reviewed Less Breath Panels.

The LBP will require citizens submit intermittently to breathe less counseling sessions, where Americans will be asked to pledge to adhere to strict respiration regulations.  Failing to comply will result in further consequences being suffered when continued pressure, exerted by the oversized governmental heel residing in the White House, fully obstructs all remaining airflow to America’s national oxygen supply.