The White House Beer Pong Festival plans to unfurl the red, white and blue in the form of what’s on tap. You have the White House, a frothy Blue Moon for Sergeant Crowley and a Red Stripe brew-ski for the ever patriotic Skip Gates. Barack Obama, thrilled with the prospect of a new found circle of drinking buddies, will break with the red, white and blue theme. In an effort to quit smoking, the President will likely be inhaling Marlboro Lights, in lieu of his usual Marlboro Reds, while pounding down a few golden hued Bud Lights.
Michelle Obama will intermittently be on the outskirts of the festivities toting a fabulously chique dry martini, shaken not stirred, with Jean-Marc XO Vodka and a splash of Cinzano Dry Vermouth. While passing through to attend to her organic garden, Michelle’s martini glass will be adorned with three green olives, honoring Crowley, Skip and Barry, skewered on a gold toothpick, adorned with the Obama logo.
The President initiated this reunion between friend, and Reverend Wright aficionado, Skip Gates and the blatantly bigoted Sergeant Crowley before he realized that his pseudo attempt at racial harmony cut into his campaign to cajole Americans into accepting universal, government administered death care. Ever the pragmatic Executive, Obama saw the conflict as a perfect opportunity to display extensive administrative experience by coming up with a way to weave together the need for a dialogue on race without losing stride in ordering a wary American public to mindlessly accept dogmatic health care options. Privately, Obama views the meeting as a means of arm wrestling America into submission over a couple of cold ones.
Obama began preparing for the event by dismissing UAW Union workers and Rahm Emmanuel for the evening. Obama also felt it was prudent, following the visit of the Blue Dog Democrats to the White House in recent days, to ask White House staff to conceal tire irons, empty bullet casings, ball peen hammers and battery cables returning them to the “special room” in the White House basement for the duration of picnic table gathering. Obama realized after testing out the Gymboree that at the top of the slide and on the upswing some of those items could be seen strewn on the topside of the Resolute Desk.
In order to stay on track and in the spirit of bias, ambiguity and end of life counseling Obama decided to hold a short press conference prior to the event. The plan is to have both Crowley and Gates at the President’s side while he chugs a beer in one swallow from the bottle. Obama will then address alcoholism counseling and how it fits into his health care initiative. He will proceed to demonstrate the evils of smoking and drinking by downing a another Bud Light, while smoking a few cigarettes on camera.
Obama plans to thank America for the gold star Presidential Health Insurance policy and to outline the type of limousine health care he receives on a dusty barroom type chalkboard. He will follow up with a request for forgiveness from smokers and drinkers across America after explaining that in order to foster fairness; they will be denied care because of self-centered, self-consuming habits. He will encourage them to continue with their habit, publicly thanking them a second time for their sacrifice in helping to keep health care costs down by continuing to smoke and drink.
Obama will also take this historic opportunity to show how “change” has truly come to Washington DC. He is hoping the picnic table summit will provide him a vehicle to propose an innovative way of deciding whether or not the controversial health care bill will ultimately be signed into law. Aware that there will be no apologies at the beer summit, Obama feels the issue in Cambridge, though still unresolved, can work to the benefit of the nation as a whole. Rather than have Congress and the Senate decide the particulars of the health care controversy, Crowley and Gates, after a few beers, can work it all out in a barroom style beer brawl.
Crowley will not be allowed to bring his gun or his Billy sticks to the summit and if a broil should erupt, both Obama, Michelle, and her well-toned biceps, will be permitted to assist Skippy Gates in the fray. Obama feels this is an equitable balance as Democratic majorities persist in both the House and Senate, Michelle has slavery in her lineage and, as the President so aptly pointed out at his press conference, Blacks in America have endured a long history of injustice at the hands of law enforcement.
Early on the day of the event, Obama proposed thrashing out the health care issue on the basketball court but decided against it when Crowley protested citing both Obama and Gates are well aware that “White men can’t jump!” If Crowley and Gates are able to control their ire Obama, in an effort to settle this health care issue before the August recess, may be forced to resort to darts or possibly a friendly round of beer pong as potential policy determinants.
At the first race/health care/policy summit at the White House, Crowley and Gates may end up laughing hysterically, snorting beer out of their noses and hugging each other while proclaiming, “I love you Buddy.” And, Obama may think he pulled another one over on naive Americans by offering up beer, fraternization and artificial bipartisan affability. Obama, hosting his beer and bull dung tournament, should force abstemious Americans not to fall in line at the nearest health care clinic, but to rather snap out of the obsequious stupor generated by the false rhetoric foisted upon them for the last year.
Clear thinking Americans need to recognize what is going on, pack up their portable darts, reject the disingenuous manipulation, snap the American flag table cloth from beneath the Blue Moon, Red Stripe beer bottle and peanut shell littered White House picnic table, and resolve to discontinue participating in the ridiculous national sham this presidency has devolved into.