The Halves and the Halve-Nots

When you were a kid the kindest thing you could say to a friend over lunch was, “You want half?” Giving half of what we have is no longer a matter of free choice.  About 50% of every penny we earn goes toward taxes.  Americans who do pay taxes, if lucky, live in a world merely of halves, because those less fortunate or about  10% of the highest earners, pay 72% of the tax burden…just to be fair!

In order to exhibit corporate compassion the government takes the lead by extending altruism toward those we wouldn’t willingly share half our peanut butter and jelly sandwich with if given the choice.  What the government has done is raid our lunch box, stealing  ½ our PBJ and leaving Americans  nothing extra if we desire to share with someone of our own choosing.  Moreover, we are left with little to fill our own bellies if we happen to want to keep the whole peanut butter sandwich to ourselves.

Presently about 50% of the nation does not pay taxes, which means those who do must contribute 50% to compensate for the lunch-less leeches that come to school everyday expecting to get fed for free.

Think of it this way, you go to MacDonald’s  buy a hamburger, fries and a large Coke.   You’re minding your business eating your lunch and along comes Uncle Sam.  While you sit there in total shock,  he grabs and scarfs down ½ the cheese burger, grabs a large greasy handful of ½ the fries and glugs down a refreshing portion of Coke, smiles, wipes his mouth and pats his belly saying, “Thanks for being patriotic” before walking on.

The question is why stop with income tax and Big Mac’s?  Wouldn’t it stand to reason that anyone having two of anything has one “two” many?   The government, who views itself as the proprietor of equitable fairness, should not hesitate to pass legislation allowing confiscation of half of everything we have.   In doing so, government can enforce an even playing field between the halves and the halve-nots.

For instance, do we really need two kidneys?  How can that be fair if there are people who need just one?  Some people believe we have two kidneys so we can save lives…so what are we waiting for?  Government should mandate the extraction of one kidney from every US citizen; it’s the only moral thing to do.

How many parts can one liver be cut into and spread around?  Shouldn’t we be  “spreading the liver wealth.”  Livers grow back to their original size in two to six weeks so the procedure can be done repeatedly making sure liver fairness prevails.  Donating ½ a lung is somewhat risky, but can be perfected with practice.

If  blind in one eye, you can make short work of seeing  normally out of one eye…so do we really “need” two?   As far as donating teeth, just think of the 32 ways to show you care.  Obama’s potential to institute an Ezekiel “Zeke” Emanuel directed  Mengle Molar Extraction Program or an innovative No Need for Thirty-two to Chew initiative  holds forth hope to the tooth disadvantaged everywhere.

Medical science is on the cusp of ovary transplants for the infertile, in fairness and effort to avoid gender specific statements, “Cough up an ovary girlfriend there are people, both male and female, in need of what you have two of.”  Speaking of coughing, although testicle transplant is still in the experimental stage, Obama pledges hope for the gonad deprived in the future with, “The Chastity Bono One Ball is Better than None” legislation.  New meaning can be given to breast implants when government outlaws  silicone and mandates only real, living and breathing mammary glands for transplant!

Houses with extra rooms are the epitome of unfair.   Extra bathrooms and bedrooms should not be allowed when there is room on the premises to house illegal aliens!   Not only should illegal’s, in an effort to extend the hand of welcome, be allowed to circumvent the law while partaking of  free, unlimited health care, which according to Obama is a “basic standard of decency.“  Anyone sneaking over the border illegally, though already absolved of paying taxes, would additionally  benefit from a carefully crafted Illegal Alien Squatter’s Equality  Bill, granting unfettered access to the extra rooms in all our homes.

Most would agree that although it would take practice and strength we could learn to walk without all our toes, five on each foot seems extravagant.  For those who choose to drive all HOV (High Occupancy Vehicles) signage should be removed from highways and expressways, reworded to say Help Out Victim-Vehicles and distributed where ever driving is allowed.  Anyone pulled over motoring along in a car with room for additional passengers should be fined and forced from that day forward to drive government designated victims where ever they want to go.

An official Barack Obama Fifty Percent Fairness rule should be instituted and applied to every and all areas of our lives as Americans.  Barack Obama has taught us that ½ of everything is a moral standard that should become the new American creed.  Half of what you earn is yours, half your property must be shared and half of your body should be divvied up to provide spare parts for those without.

So, the next time you’re standing in Dunkin Donuts about to take a sip out of your, extra large, well deserved Frozen Cappuccino and some smelly homeless person, with no teeth grabs it from your hand and slurps down half the frothy treat, don’t resist, close your eyes and whisper to yourself, “Yes We Can, Yes We Can.”

Call to mind the hope and change our nation committed to on November 4th, 2008 and pray to God the deserving derelict leaves half the cappuccino for you and doesn’t notice that you still have all your teeth — because according to moral arbitrator Barack Obama, while they remain in your mouth, you have one more bicuspid than you actually need.