The ‘Obama Robber’ of Wien

President Barack Obama’s ability to illicitly acquire and then splurge on what isn’t his appears to be inspiring one particular Viennese bandit who has been showing up all over town in an Obama mask. Headlines read: “Veto This: Armed ‘Obama Robber’ hits Austria banks,” indicating that Barack’s rip-off reputation in the steal-and-spend category has now officially gone global.

Over the past two years, a fellow dubbed the “Obama Robber” has donned a disguise bearing Barack’s image and mimicked the world’s highest-ranking bureaucratic burglar while proceeding to empty the coffers of more than a few Austrian financial institutions.

After brandishing a weapon whose uncivil/potentially violent make and model cannot be discussed, the Viennese impersonator/perpetrator has made off “with an undisclosed amount of money.” In fact, the Obama imitator has successfully hauled away a stash of unlawfully acquired wealth from six separate repositories and presently is free to spend the ill-gotten cache wherever and however he wishes.

No one knows for sure what the stickup bandit does after fleeing the scene or whether or not the Obama wannabe spends the money on items and activities similar to the pricey ones the world’s most famous filcher rarely bothers to justify.

If, after counting the cash, the holdup person did decide to emulate the legendary guy who continues to plunder America without a mask, expenditures could range from exotic vacations to Superbowl ads encouraging participation in government initiatives.

If given the opportunity, stolen Euros could easily be frittered away flying to functions on the world’s most expensive airliner, romantic evenings with the wife, and the purchase of road signs that lend legitimacy to thievery by promoting bureaucratic burglar-friendly programs.

If the “Obama Robber” chooses to emulate the real Barack, on thing’s for sure – the copycat would use pilfered currency to do things like send a well-deserving spouse on a luxurious extended vacation, sparing no expense on food, tag-along friends, and frivolity.  If the little woman should prefer to skip one in a long list of  $300,000 holidays, and even if in an alternate one-night excursion dipped into  $250,000 of bagged booty, at least the romantic robber would have the ill-gotten loot to finance a  “date night”   to Vienna’s most  high priced eatery,  Zum Schwarzen Kameel.

Another option would be for the Austrian stickup artist to choose to stay home and host weekly parties. After hauling home the plunder, the “Obama Robber’s” elegant gatherings could be financed with money illegally purloined from the bank accounts of elderly women who, for lack of a better choice, subsist on cold cereal. In lieu of commoner food like Wiener schnitzel, the man behind the Obama mask could serve friends (and enemies) veal cheeks and Chocopologie truffles, washed down with F.X. Pichler Riesling at $250 a bottle.

The Austrian bank robber should be warned in advance of something Obama found out the hard way, which is that spending other people’s money, if not finessed properly, can earn you a bad rap or, at least, contribute to flagging poll numbers. In fact, at one point, the man who inspired the mask did attempt to buoy public support for Obamacare with funding plucked from the wallets of the struggling Americans opposing government takeover of 1/6th of the economy.  In like manner, in an effort to head off controversy, maybe the masked marauder could act preemptively and use a clunk of the most recently acquired coinage to run ads on Austrian TV to lobby on behalf of the benefits of robbing banks.

If the euro-currency corsair has learned well, maybe he, like Barack Obama, could also convince those whose savings accounts he emptied that paying for stuff they don’t want is an acceptable practice and could, in the long run, actually better the lives of penniless generations of bankrupted adults and children.

Even if Austria’s “Obama Robber” is creative in dispensing currency, try as he might, mask or no mask, it’s hard for even the most dedicated student to keep up with the real-life Barack Bandit who spends other people’s money like a sailor guzzling million-dollar Diva Vodka out of the bottle.

In two years the Austrian thief, disguised in an Obama mask, has cleaned out a half-dozen bank vaults. In the same time frame, President Obama has managed to increase the federal debt “by $2.5260 trillion, which is more than the cumulative total of the national debt held by the public that was amassed by all U.S. presidents from George Washington through Ronald Reagan.”

Again, no one knows how or where the “Obama Robber” of Wien actually spends the stolen money.  What we do know is his DC muse, besides big-ticket items like entertaining communists with slabs of Wagyu beef, plunks down money for essentials such as: The study of rabbit feces; genital washing programs for HIV/AIDS infected men in Africa; public campaigns to encourage support for stealing and squandering stolen funds; worldwide mosque minaret restoration; and green plug-in vehicles.

At least the Obama impressionist can get himself a hybrid electric car to make an environmentally-friendly – albeit slow – getaway from the scene of future heists.

Either way, the “Obama Robber” is doing tutor President Obama proud by making off with money without being caught, spending what isn’t his on whatever he wants, and doing so audaciously and with wild abandon.

Nonetheless, Austrian Police official Markus Mitloehner said the man concealing his identity in an Obama mask is “thought to be a local since he speaks the regional dialect — with nary a trace of Obama’s more professorial accent” – emphasis on “thought to be.”

Leaving aside the secrecy surrounding how the Austrian bank robber uses the rustled riches, the uncanny similarity between the two bandits makes one wonder if, in the last two years, a sly Obama has been brushing up his international dialects and whether Air Force One has had a few lingering stopovers on the tarmac of Vienna International Airport.

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