Ghouls, Gourds and Government Goodies

It’s Halloween at the White House and witches and warlocks abound.  As the weather played tricks on those going to the home of the one guy more than eager to hand out freebies, Barack Obama took a break from scaring the bejeezus out of America’s adults to hand out goodies to unsuspecting children.

While Americans stood on unemployment lines and scraped together loose change for groceries, in preparation for the festive event Mr. and Mrs. Obama oversaw stringing fake spider webs at the White House and chose to forgo an outing to Target to spend the day picking out perfect farm stand pumpkins and squeezing a colorful array of gourds.

Thankfully, thus far, 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue has not been egged (that sort of behavior would be more appropriate for the annual Easter Egg Roll), nor was the fountain on the South Lawn dyed orange or decorated with crepe paper made out of Charmin.

In fact, it was on the North Portico, amid thousands of dollars of traditional Halloween decorations, that Shelley and Barry handed out sweet treats to children that would be scared to death if they knew how much money they owed the man who, if he were wearing a fuzzy orange hat and a jump suit, could easily pass for Lance Robertson of Yo Gabba Gabba.

In celebration of the harvest holiday First Grandma Marian Robinson, in bunny ears and whiskers, along with son-in-law Barry dressed in a “black fleece jacket and slacks,” greeted excited children bathed in a pumpkin pie-hued glow provided by orange-colored lights.

The first lady, who dressed in cat ears and a leopard cat-woman outfit on Halloween in 2009, toned it down this year with a black designer overcoat.

A statue of First Dog Bo, who borrowed his master’s Superman outfit for the afternoon, watched over the festivities from atop a bale of hay.

God knows these days just about anyone can breach national security barriers and make their way onto the government goody line. Which must be why one trick-or-treater, disguised as “a headless man,” briefly startled the President.

Prior to the White House Halloween event, the President, doing some Hollywood campaign 2012 trick-or-treating of his own, showed up on the “Tonight Show” masquerading as a comedian.  Barack told Jay Leno that he counseled his wife on how to avoid falling victim to “Halloween mischief.”

The President told Jay that instead of doling out what would likely be bitterly disappointing “fruit and raisins,” he suggested to Michelle that maybe the young potential future entitlement trainees might appreciate some government-funded, ET-approved Reeses Pieces added to the goody bag.

Barack Obama must know that the White House stands an even greater chance of getting egged if Michelle insists on subjecting those, looking for Razzles and Sour Patch Kids, to unappetizing treats like unsulphured prunes, bottled water, and fruit and veggie chips.

Based on the polls, handing out confections to the big kids certainly hasn’t kept mischief at bay, which means the advice the President gave his healthy-eating spouse, even if for other reasons, may not deter shaving cream from making its way onto the South Lawn.

Nevertheless, Michelle took hubby’s advice, because to the delight of those hoping to drag home a pillow case laden with treats, the tricky first lady chose to include homemade “sweet dough butter cookies” and boxes of special edition White House M&Ms.

In a surprising turn of events, the President actually chose to leave the Teleprompter indoors.  Forced to wing it for the day, Obama spared the children a pre-candy monologue that could have devolved into an icy campaign speech that included spooky cold-weather talk of high heating oil prices, evil rich people, and tales of the terrifying injustice of economic inequity.

Luckily, time constraints also prevented the President from using the occasion to compare sharing candy with “sharing the wealth” or braving the elements with nationwide events such as “Occupy” Wall Street.

After the frozen kids, loaded down with wet butter cookies, dehydrated pears, and boxes of M&Ms, boarded yellow school buses, a group of lucky military children got to stay behind for a Halloween party. Details of the event have not been disclosed, but were sure to include party games like bobbing for food stamps, pin the striped prison outfit on the bank executive, and voting all the Republicans “off the island.”

After the festivities came to an end, in keeping with the philosophy that has made every day seem like Halloween in America, half the celebrants were probably sent home crying after being forced by Barack Obama to hand over all their candy to a busload of kids who didn’t attend the party.

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