For those who forgot – or would like to forget – despite waking up every morning for eight years “in a house built by slaves,” America’s former first lady, Michelle Obama, indulged in 100 million dollars worth of vacations at taxpayers’ expense; wore haute couture; and, while attempting to limit every morsel Americans put in their mouths, ate epicurean fare fit for a queen.
Recently, Penguin Random House and an advance above $65 million for two memoirs ensured that Mrs. Obama can continue to live the lifestyle she’d grown accustomed to, which now includes things like an $8.1-million Kalorama mansion and back-to-back vacations in Martha’s Vineyard and Mallorca, Spain.
For those of us who “at this point have made enough money,” if a $65-million tome reiterating the minutiae Michelle and Barack have subjected America to for a decade weren’t enough, like U2 on steroids, Mrs. Obama has now decided to embark on a hard-knock-life stadium-sized expedition.
About her forthcoming outing, Michelle had this to say: “I’ve spent the last year and a half reflecting on my story as deeply and honestly as I could, and now I’m thrilled to travel the country and do the same with readers this fall.”
After deep reflection, Michelle’s sure-to-be divisive “intimate conversation” begins in her hometown of Chicago at a place called, of all things, the United Center. Less a book tour and more an egotistical effort to outdo Donald Trump rallies, after getting a $65-million advance, as an accomplished woman of color, Michelle plans to get things done by selling high-priced tickets and hawking self-aggrandizing wares.
Judging from experience, the whole spectacle is sure to be a carefully crafted mix of racially motivated rhetoric, acid-tongued vitriol, rap-style propagandizing, and Alinsky street activist antics sprinkled with live discussions, hugs, and pop star drop-ins from the likes of Beyoncé and Jay-Z. Ticket-holders shouldn’t be surprised if guests like Bruno Mars and Janelle Monáe show up to coax reluctant “Squad Member” Michelle into performing impromptu renditions of proven crowd-pleasers like “Uptown Funk.”
With “sharing the wealth” in mind, Michelle and Live Nation are supposedly donating 10% of the book tour ticket sales to ensure that people looking for handouts, Black Lives Matter, and refugees from resettlement neighborhoods can be brainwashed and community organized, free of charge.
So far, Mrs. Obama is scheduled to zigzag across the nation from Chicago to L.A. to Washington to Boston and PA – all the way east to Brooklyn, New York. From there, Shelly will be off to Detroit, Denver, San Jose, and Dallas. The first leg of the “Becoming” tour is slated to continue until Michelle, her two dogs, her mother, her daughters, and Barack confidante Valerie Jarrett take a break for the annual 17-plus-day Obama Christmas getaway.
For those counting, if Mrs. Obama somehow manages to fill all 196,868 seats, she’ll likely earn multi-millions for just ten days’ work. That doesn’t include a percentage of book sales over and above her royalty agreement. If every person who shows up purchases a book, Michelle’s haul might even cover expenses for their next vacation.
Do the math. The United Center fits 23,500 people, and tickets start at $30 and graduate upward to $160-plus per seat. Multiply that by nine more stadiums, and with that kind of money flowing in, America’s former FLOTUS could drag down mucho dinero after paying expenses. That’s before considering the more expensive VIP “Becoming” packages that include a meet-and-greet, a cheesy pre-signed photo, and/or a personalized copy of Michelle’s Southside sob story.
If Mrs. Obama and her “spread the wealth around” spouse manage to pocket even a small percentage of the earnings from “Conversations with Michelle Obama,” the ten amphitheater stops will deposit into the Obama joint bank account handsome quantities of pie that should sustain the couple if the Venezuela-style socialism they promote should happen to befall America.
In other words, instead of eating zebra slaughtered after breaking into a zoo, if the time should come where Americans start to resemble Venezuelans, at least Barry and Michelle can continue to nibble on goat confit.
After carefully counting book tour money, Mrs. Obama can turn her attention toward projects like the $100-million Obama Netflix deal and how to further pervert the American psyche into thinking the common good always outweighs the acquisition of personal wealth.