SpongeBob SquarePants is about to be harshly reprimanded by the federal government for being a cartoon contributor to childhood diabetes and for making it impossible for kids to fit into “Bikini Bottoms.”
First Lady Michelle Obama, in conjunction with a White House Task Force on Childhood Obesity, is preparing to parent America by cracking down on cafeterias, Chum Bucket fast-food restaurants, Cheez-It® boxes and vending machines.
President Obama appointed an, “interagency panel … to develop recommendations for ending childhood obesity within a generation…nam[ing] Michelle Obama to lead the campaign.” Barry’s comprehensive review of the issue, coupled with Michelle’s expertise, all but guarantee a speedy resolution to the problem of corpulent kiddies.
The Task Force recommended, “media characters … popular with kids should only be used to promote healthy products.” As a result SpongeBob SquarePants could be swept from the shelves if, “voluntary efforts fail to limit marketing of less healthy products to young viewers.” If controls fall short, the FCC will take over like Squidward Tentacles and choke the life out marketers refusing to comply.
In the meantime, SpongeBob may be able to salvage his reputation by taking the initiative and “emphasizing the importance of improved nutrition and physical activity.” If the Krabby Patty-loving cartoon character, “swaps deep fryers for salad bars,” and replaces snacking with scuba diving Michelle could decide to grant the popular phylum porifera a reprieve.
The intuitive Mr. Squarepants seems to already be ahead of the curve. In conjunction with Nickelodeon, it appears as if the spongy one will be appearing on bags of produce even before the FCC, “considers new rules on commercials in children’s programming.”
“Pictures of the happy-go-lucky sponge will appear on packages of carrots, spinach and citrus.” Obviously, SpongeBob living in a pineapple didn’t quite make the standard for acceptable fruit and vegetable promotion.
Regardless of Bob’s preemptive effort, a problem still remains for Mr. Squarepants when “new and dramatic controls on the marketing of unhealthy foods” take effect. Why? – Because the yellow sponge’s picture is plastered all over supermarket shelves stocked with sugary, diabetes causing SpongeBob SquarePants cereal, frozen Popsicle® pop-ups and containers of Breyers® cookie-dough ice cream.
The adipose advisory panel also proposed labeling changes on products and vending machines. Even restaurants will be advised to, “Display calorie counts.” Cheating on a diet will require the illegal establishment of underground gastronome speakeasies. Junk food will become obsolete as American children, in lieu of less healthy fare, are prodded like livestock toward rutabaga and radishes.
However, there is a latent benefit to the anti-chubbiness campaign as parents come up with new, innovative rewards to influence good behavior. Instead of offering lollipops and cookies parents can say instead, “If you clean your room you won’t have to eat beets and sautéed okra tonight.” Such incentives will ensure healthy children, as well as establish a nation void of juvenile delinquents and disciplinary problems.
For obstinate, free thinking adults insistent on parenting their own offspring, the Task Force “calls for analyzing the effect of imposing state and local sales taxes on less healthy products.” Moms and Dads will be “nudged” toward healthier choices out of fear of being zapped in the pocketbook with an oversized, beefed-up tax-taser.
The Task Force finally concluded, “It won’t be easy” to cure childhood obesity. Yet Michelle and Barry shouldn’t back down, because with inordinate amounts of propaganda and governmental restriction, the way fry cook SpongeBob swore off Krabby Patties, eventually ObamAmerica will submit, in compliance, and recoil in horror at the sight of a Big Mac.
Cartoon by friend and fabulous cartoonist SooperMexican