Kathleen Sebelius Advocates for GaybamaCare

Originally posted at American Thinker.

This is June, and Barack Obama has transformed a month that used to be about fatherhood and dragging out the barbeque into 30 days of homage to Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender (and Questioning) pride.  That’s right, count ’em: 30 whole days to rejoice in LGBTQ-ness.

Along with Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius, Barack must feel it’s time that fairness be extended to the gay community.  That’s why, for those who tend toward melancholy and depression, if ever there were a time to be gay, this would be it.  Why?  Because in addition to reassuring college grads that free birth control should give them peace of mind and sharing the roster at Girl Scout conferences with late-term abortionists, HHS Secretary Kathleen Sebelius wants to commemorate LGBTQ month by making it one of her priorities to actively advocate on behalf of the sexually confused, conflicted, and/or questioning.

When not sending out clandestine e-mails on her secret Obama-established e-mail account, Mrs. Sebelius is about the important business of spreading the word that she’ll be doling out privileges to the LGBTQ community based solely on non-traditional sexual preference.  And although she doesn’t expound on exactly how they’ve been pushed to the side, Sebelius feels that “for too long … [LGBTQ people] were pushed to the side.”

To prove how committed she is to preferential treatment for homosexuals, Sebelius has refused to override a policy that will deny help to a dying 10-year-old girl with cystic fibrosis in need of a lung transplant.  Because of government regulation concerning adults getting first dibs on adult lungs, the woman who has been integral in directly benefiting victims of HIV/AIDS has declined the opportunity to intervene.

Sebelius concurs that in the case of Sara Murnaghan, it is an “incredibly agonizing situation where someone lives and someone dies.”  So in other words, if you’re 10 years old and your name is Sara Murnaghan and, through no fault of your own, you have a deadly lung disease, you will be “pushed to the side.”  On the other hand, if you’ve participated in promiscuous, risky lifestyle choices and simply refused to join the Rubber Revolution or attend Condom University, or if you’re a 12-year-old girl trapped in a 12-year-old boy’s body and desire sex reassignment surgery, by way of GaybamaCare, Kathleen Sebelius will override any policy obstacle that might stand in the way of realizing your dream to be prom queen.

In the meantime, in order to determine who the government decides will live and who the government decides will contribute to providing shovel-ready jobs for cemetery workers, a careful compilation of “gender status” queries is required, which will be included on health surveys and questionnaires.  Gone are the days of basic check-boxes that say “male” or “female.”  Now, even the “other” category no longer suffices; expansion is needed to include Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender categories.

Wait!  What about transsexuals in the process of “transitioning” from male to female who are temporarily neither male nor female?  What box do they check?  Not to mention intersex individuals, formerly known as hermaphrodites.  Where do they fit into all of this?

Nevertheless, despite the wrinkles that still need to be ironed out, if all goes well under ObamaCare, the Centers for Medicare & Medicaid Services said it is starting a new analysis that could lift the spending ban for sex-change operations for individuals requiring surgical treatment for Gender Identity Disorder.  In other words, if your pre-existing condition was a raging case of Chaz Bono-itis, you will not be penalized; you’ll be penis-ized.

In addition, standard things like preventative services, HIV screenings, vaccinations, mental health screenings, contraception (God knows why), intimate-partner violence screenings, (can people who are generally “gay” be violent?), and well-woman visits (for both males and females?) will also be part of GaybamaCare.

If you’re a homosexual, all this is wonderful.  However, Americans who are happy, but not gay in a “gay” way, may be at a bit of a loss.

Therefore, while Kathleen Sebelius is busy helping gays be gayer, here’s some survival advice: if you’re a straight guy or gal, to circumvent the obstacles in ObamaCare, in case of an emergency, invest in and never leave home without a pair of Christian Louboutins or Doc Martens — the Louboutins for the gentlemen, of course, and Docs for the ladies.

Then, one day, if by chance you should you find yourself sitting in a clinic spurting blood from a main artery and a busload of stragglers from the Gay Pride parade pull up and unload into the waiting room, to avoid being punished for the sin of being straight, slip on those Louboutins or Doc Martens.  Then, grab the nearest person of the same sex, drag them over to the triage nurse’s station, and plant a wet one on them, because starting on January 1, 2014, it looks like gender-bending footwear and passionate same-sex kissing will be a surefire ticket to the front of the Kathleen Sebelius GaybamaCare line.